Eating Ramen in Montreal. Planning a revisit.
Everyone makes a bad decision or two while living life. Some people seem to learn and move on, trying to bring the lessons from their follies into play to prevent future failures of judgement. Others seem to wallow in the past like pigs rolling in the mud. "I should have done this." "I should have done that." "I was in the right place at the right time and still fucked up my life." There is a litany of regrets from some people that make them hard to stomach. And so much of their "story" seems tied to things that happened or didn't happen twenty, thirty or forty years ago.
In some regards I feel blessed to have been equipped with an optimistic memory. Bad stuff that happened, or faux pas I made, don't linger in the data base of my brain. I seem to remember all the great stuff and very little of the trial and turmoil. As a result, when I hit a roadblock or art block, my first impulse isn't to play the victim or project self-pity but to plan for the future. For a new way of looking at the life I've been blessed with and to try and figure out how to leverage the power of all the things my partner and I have gotten right along the way.
After writing five books for Amherst Media, with a modicum of success, I was approached by three other publishers who offered book contracts. One, Cengage, was willing to publish just about anything I wanted to write about ---- as long as photography of some sort was a central theme. I turned these offers down with absolutely no regrets because I had moved on to stuff that was more fun, more important and more satisfying. Raising a really bright child. Spending time with the most wonderful and beautiful woman I have ever met in my entire life. Swimming with great happiness with a group of dedicated and like-minded swimmers. Learning more about film-making. Running several profitable businesses. Having a blast with my cameras and my friends, and so much more.
I turned down a tenure track position at a university. Bad decision? No. Over time I had infinitely more photographic adventures than I ever would have had access to while teaching. I also made oodles more money than I would have made teaching classes four days a week. With office hours on the fifth day... And I got to meet people who were changing the worlds of commerce and technology, first hand. A front row, mid-court seat. I got to meet world leaders....and photograph them. Even better, I got to meet beautiful friends and photograph them as well.
I took care of both my parents in their decline and their passings after they lived long and happy lives packed with adventures and surrounded by three kids and more grandchildren. Dealing with Dad's dementia and his late life care was hard. Really hard. But my memories of those years now are all about the good times we spent together; even in hospice. All the funny conversations we had. The endless Sunday lunches we shared. Smuggling his favorite candies (Hershey's Kisses) into his room at memory care. My sense of attachment when helping him walk along with a cane nearly to the end of his life was profound. I remember with a certain pride how I helped them both through their tough transitions. It makes me happy, not sad, to realize that I helped make their later lives easier, more secure, safer, less anxious. Less lonely. And these are happy thoughts. Not sad thoughts. No words left unsaid. No unresolved conflicts or bad emotions. Just love and acceptance.
B. is going through the same thing with her 90+ year old mom. Her mom is still ambulatory. Still cognizant and still enjoying life. B. is there, with her brother and sister, to provide a warm and happy social/family fabric for their mom. And to help with all things financial and legal. And I get a good measure of happiness making sure our own home is a happy and easy place to come back to and a sanctuary for B. in which to relax and recharge. Trying to take care of little details so she can concentrate on what is important to her.
These are all happy things. Life will always throw curve balls at all of us but we have the option, the choice, to be satisfied with the way we've acted and reacted and how we used the power to experience the tough stuff without letting it cover us with a blanket of regret. And we have the option to keep moving forward.
B. and I worked hard all through our 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and halfway through our 60s. What do we have to show for all that work? Lives well lived. An ever strengthening relationship. Adventures around the world. A near perfect child (oops! "young adult"). Financial security beyond anything we could have dreamed of. And none of it collided with or was irrevocably impacted by a singular bad decision. There was nothing we could not recover from, learn from and eventually prosper from.
Everyone gets hit by a "foul ball" once in a while. The decision to wallow in the pain and ruminate about it for decades or to shake it off and move on to something much better is in everyone's power.
I find that as people get older they either get happier and more satisfied with life or they become bitter and regretful. But those two ways of looking at life rarely coexist in one person. There is a hard and discernible difference.
The ramen on that cold, rainy day in November, up in Montreal, was delicious. Sharing it with B. made it even more so. The cold and the rain were delightful. It made the happy fireplace in our "Old Town" hotel feel so special. You could bitch about the weather if you wanted to.
But should you? What value would you derive?
I guess it's possible to have many regrets about a life in or adjacent to photography. It could sure be a bumpy ride. But focusing on the past is like holding a bag of disintegrating garbage over your own head all the time. There's no value in trying to figure out what "might" have happened if you'd gone down a different road. Without access to a time machine there is only one road. But you get to decide if it's a tree-lined boulevard decorated with gold pavers. You can concentrate on the beauty and potential or bitch about the pot holes you might find. It's really up to you.
Throw out the garbage.
Philosophizing over.
12 comments:
Beautifully written, Kirk, thank you.
As one who is often mired with regrets from the past, I appreciate your uplifting words.
Thanks Steve! I appreciate this.
Well said. I have always tried to be an onwards and upwards type of person. I have little use for people who are black holes and try and suck out and destroy any joy you might have in your life. If they won't help themselves (with help if they accept it) I part company with them. Life is too short.
When it comes to blogs I feel readers gravitate to authors who have similar outlooks on life. Hence, I feel many of your readers have lived or are living lives very similar to yours. Younger readers I hope are soaking up wise words from someone who has been there, done that, and is willing to share a well conceived and lived life.
I enjoy your writing Kirk. Thanks for sharing.
Eric
Eric, You and I seem always to have been on the same wavelength. Thanks for the kind reply! Let me know when you are back from your travels. Lucky.
Kirk, you have made the very best of your circumstances and that deserves to be respected and appreciated.
You and your family are so breathtakingly lucky to have not suffered childhood trauma or mental health issues which can have life long repercussions for the person afflicted and their loved ones.
It is wonderful that you are able to appreciate what you have. For many others, dragging behind them a mountain of troubles, the daily struggles of daily life can seem completely overwhelming.
"you have made the very best of your circumstances and that deserves to be respected and appreciated." -anonymous poster .but....
"breathtakingly lucky to have not suffered childhood trauma or mental health issues which can have life long repercussions for the person afflicted and their loved ones. " Same anonymous poster.
Ah, the presumption that we've had no struggles. No childhood pathologies. No health issues. No deprivations. Smugly suggesting that somehow I've avoided having any negative events in my life. I have, just as nearly everyone has. It's learning to leave it in the rear view mirror that's important. Not to pretend that you are the only victim and that anyone who is happy was wrapped in privilege and emotion-proof Kevlar all their lives.
Using past hardships as an excuse to be a victim is self-defeating. On a video job I met a woman who, as a college student, was robbed going into the parking lot of a club to drive home. She was a smart young woman from a decent family. She was attending a good university. She was robbed and then shot, point blank, in the back, severing her spine. She's spent her life after the event in a wheel chair. She is the most optimistic and centered professional I have ever met. She pursues a professional career. She drives herself wherever she needs to go. She's never accepted the role of victim.
If she can get past a traumatic event like that and exist as a fully functional and happy person I can't imagine that someone who has not lived through that level of trauma can make their own life as miserable as some people do.
Here, readjust your idea of surviving a bad situation: https://vimeo.com/208493493
Oh wait, here's another one:
https://vimeo.com/207024941
And another one: https://vimeo.com/208219589
Or you could just give up... choices, choices.
Easy Tiger.
Loved this post. Thank you for reminding us what’s really important. As in photography, perspective is key.
As Will Rogers once said,
"There are three kinds of men: ones that learn by reading, few who learn by observation, and the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves."
bravo Kirk. I esteem your priorities especially towards aging parents. Inherent rewards (-;
To quote the Jedi Knight: "Your focus determines your reality."
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