
I read too much. I guess that's better than watching too much TV. Or watching sports on the internet. Lately I've been trying to get through books about successfully retiring. About meaning in life. About dealing with loneliness --- and it dawned on me that the perspective of most of these articles and presentations is aimed very specifically at people who had or have regular jobs. And by "regular" jobs I mean that the full time, employed worker received from his company/employer a set of daily, weekly, monthly and yearly expectations. They were required to be in an office, or on the floor of a factory or retail establishment, for a proscribed number of hours per day. They had a set number of days they had to work during the week. They had tasks that they were mandated to routinely execute. In a sense a lot of the rote decision making of life was made for them and they accepted it all in exchange for a salary which came more or less reliably, as well as a handful of benefits such as healthcare and matches to their 401ks.
When these folks decided to retire on their own volition, or were forcibly retired by their employers, it generally constituted a sudden and profound shift in their lives. Left behind was the feeling of having a set routine that formed the basic structure of their lives. They left behind the implied safety of the employer's structure and status. They left behind their identity as a specific sort of officer or specialist. They left behind the ritual "friendships" of their once daily companions of 20, 30 or even 40 years. And they left behind a certain meaning or direction in their lives. And they left behind the paycheck.
Most conventional wisdom about retirement posits that once retired the former worker is confronted with a loss of sense of purpose, a loss of some sort of social network of work friends, a loss of financial security, and gains a sense of anxiety or depression about their new situation. They are advised to keep a hand in by volunteering in their area of expertise. (Doing the same sort of work as before but for no money...). Mentoring someone who could use their guidance within the field in which they had been highly proficient. To spend more time ginning up new friendships in church and to quickly grasp for a hobby to give a certain framework to their continued existence.
Husbands and wives who mostly had separate careers and routinely saw each other only in the evenings --- and a few glimpses in the morning, as well as weekends, now would grapple with having to fill the void left by the removal of work friends and engage each other in conversations far beyond what they had been experiencing with each other during their work years. And to do this on a fixed and fraught budget.
It all sounds absolutely dreadful to anyone who ran their own business, did art as part of their commerce, and whose long term friend circle mostly includes people with the same schedule ownership and professional flexibility.
Much of the advice I've read or encountered seems to have been aimed at some mythic character that sits far outside my own work life experience, and my first year of retirement experiences...
My routine has changed in that I now have complete control of my schedule and make my own "assignments." But what I do is the same in some ways. I love to take photographs and self-assign projects without being encumbered in any way by clients or people who seem to think that the money they are willing to pay gives them the ability/right to decide how I will do the projects, and when, and for what benefit. The clients, and most of the headaches of running a business, are gone but the thrill of doing the art remains. Nothing has changed for the worse in that aspect of retiring. Most artists go on working just as they have always done but without the monkeys on their backs, looking over their shoulders and offering bad advice. And ill-informed critiques.
People made lonely by their abandonment by work friends seemingly took the lazy path in early life and didn't make friends based on the kinds of people they wanted to have as friends but the people that were conveniently available to them at the time. When I was working I mostly interacted only episodically with clients. I didn't have contact with the same clients on a day-to-day or even month-to-month basis. We agreed that we would be "friendly" with each other but those sorts of business "friendships" were always confined to the working day. We did not meet up later to play snooker at a smoky bar or watch mindless football games together while drinking lite beer and eating bag after bag of potato chips. Or frozen pizzas.
When the work was done we each strolled to our cars and went off to pursue our own, separate lives.
Is it unfair to point this out since most employees were/are constrained by the company schedule to spend days, months and even years in close proximity with each other? Who even had the bandwidth to make real friends outside the workplace?
My answer? I'd conjecture that my weekly schedule for work during my most productive years was intense and composed of many long weekday and weekend work periods. But no matter how intense the work schedule became I still got up every morning and went to swim practice where 25-30 fellow swimmers gathered to generate lactic acid in our muscles and a sense of fitness in our bodies. But more importantly, after swimming together for decades many of us became real friends. Not bound by work but by a joint sense of joy about our mutual love of swimming. Our kids grew up together at swim meets. Our lane mates often head for the coffee shops after a workout to catch up and share news with each other. One group within our larger group have become close enough to plan week long ski trips together each season. Many of us compete together in long open water races (relays) where there's lots of time on chase boats to cement the bonds of friendship. And core groups within the group form tighter bonds and share a social structure that reaches out to embrace also spouses and kids. These are people I could call in the middle of the night with an emergency and be certain that they'd be at my door, ready to help, within minutes. And I would do the same for them.
We'll swim six days straight in the next week. On Monday we take a break and recover. This Monday I have to be home because we're having painting B. and I bought for an anniversary, professionally hung at the house. But after practice on Tuesday morning I'm having coffee with a younger swimmer (late 50s), a former Olympic gold medalist, now a hedge fund owner, to go over his recently acquired Hasselblad X-Pan camera (I owned one in the 1990s and used it commercially). We'll talk about cameras, swimming, travel and Summer plans for both families. It will be fun.
On Wednesday, after swim practice, I'll have a coffee meeting (the coffee is not the essential part of these get togethers...the camaraderie is) with my swimmer friend, Patti. She's a writer/editor who recently more or less retired. I say 'more or less' because her husband writes golf books about psychology and she is editing and prepping his latest book for publication by a university press. She is a few years older than me, still a strong swimmer and one of the most interesting people I know. We'll talk about everything from writing and publishing, to swimming, to upcoming vacations and bumps in the road we've encountered with the mechanics of retiring. But mostly we'll be checking in with each other and supporting each other as we go forward.
There's a lunch date with a retired photographer that afternoon. A happy hour, later, with a crew that's been getting together for the better part of a decade to drink red wine, eat fun snacks and have long conversations about politics, art, literature and, again, travel. One member of the happy hour is a doctor, recently retired but part of this crew for at least ten years. There's photographer who has "turned off" clients but "turned on" galleries and museum collections with his work. A famous novelist. A tech exec and a few others who orbit in and out.
I have to bow out of social events during the day on Friday because are having a 96 inch long credenza delivered which will replace some taller bookshelves in our living room in order to accommodate the new painting. But that evening I'll be cooking dinner for friends who lived next to us about 30 years ago who have diligently kept in touch (as we have in return). We have impromptu dinner parties at each other's homes or at favorite restaurants about once a month. Except when one couple or the other couple is out of town.
"The kid"; our son, is a standing dinner guest on Sunday evenings and has been since moving back to Austin after college/university. A nice change from the year he spent at Yonsei University in S. Korea. Those were some quiet Sunday dinners, to be sure.
B. and I been invited to a giant, three day art show at the end of the week which starts with a private showing/cocktail party on Thursday evening. We'll go since we've attended before and had a great time looking at both great art--- and horrible art, and running into more good friends.
So, I'm thinking that, over the years, we worked on these friendships outside the parameters of work and now they are serving us well. One of the benefits of knowing where work starts and stops and real friendships are made.
As far as purpose in life? Does it really need to be any different than the purpose that's formed your life all along? For me it's the satisfaction of making photographs. Going from self-propelled projects to self-propelled projects as the spirit moves me. Here we are in our 17th year of blogging and I haven't slowed down because it's fun for me, and while the subjects I write about differ now the core idea is the same: sharing the day-to-day nuts and bolts of being a photographer. Of evolving with the field of interest. Investigating new tools and methods. Learning about new, rising stars, preserving the memory of the old masters.
B. and I were best friends long before we got married. We've always maintained our own separate interests. And because they don't completely overlap we always have something interesting to talk about over dinner, or in the car on the way to somewhere. We're a good fit but that happened long before retirement. As to whether or not we can get along with long periods of "togetherness" I think our eight years of working closely together in our ad agency every day proved that this would not be a problem.
I think the most important thing people might keep in mind if they are planning to retire is to NOT change all the things you got RIGHT during your working years. And to reject, completely, all the things that you didn't like. Things that felt like impediments to your art or your happiness. It's not about spending all your money on fancy vacations. Vacations that end up feeling like bucket list check marks, but about continuing to do what makes you happy. What always made you happy. And, by the time you retire you should have that figured out.
Swim every day. Walk every day. Donate your television to someone who has less sense of purpose and fewer ambitions. Fire your "favorite" sports team (worshipping sports teams fosters tribalism. Tribalism fractures societies.). Don't slow down. Don't believe all the crap about falling apart physically or mentally after 60 or 65. Make all those interesting and compelling people who are still doing incredible things far into their eighties or even their nineties your real role models. They've got it figured out. Steal their mentorship for yourself; after all, aging well is as much a skill as brain surgery or tennis.
Generally, I've found that the money will work itself out on its own. You did your best to earn and save and whatever level you hit is bound to be enough. The real secret is to have the guts to spend some of it.
Maybe that's why the universe invented Leicas.
That's all I have for today. Off to do something nice for B. to celebrate Mother's Day. Chin up. Attitude positive. Launch.