2.17.2013

The Visual Science Lab Moves Quickly to trademark: i-watch-o-graphy(tm).


Oh Boy! Gee. Golly. Wow. The rumors are swirling that Apple is working on the iWatch. And if history gives us insight into the future it's only a matter of time before the Apple wristwatch sports a camera. I'm guessing a 50 megapixel camera with lots of editing options built in and, just to grind their technical superiority in the faces of their competitors, it will also most probably offer 4K video as well.

We're so excited about the myriad business opportunities this presents that the entire staff of the Visual Science Lab has been pulled off all our in-house projects (including deep space asteroid monitoring, so watch out!) to work feverishly on ways to massively monetize this radical new imaging advance. We call this revolution SOMW (stuff on my wrist). And we KNOW that the first step is to roll out international workshops on I-WATCH-O-GRAPHY(tm). We're working with legions weathered old and young (less than six weeks in the profession)  pros who've agreed to abandon their still highly lucrative careers as full time assignment photographers in order to fulfill their secret life long passion to be TEACHERS. They are ready to walk away from the amazing amounts of money they could be earning in assignment and editorial imaging because they feel called to improve the lives of millions of affluent strangers by offering day long, week long and even month long workshops dedicated to teaching a whole new generation of curious, disciplined and committed artists learn how to master the two (or even more!!!!!) buttons that will control iWatch cameras, and the cameras on a host of imitation products.

We're not just about maximizing our incomes from people who are too lazy to read a page and a half of easy and basic instructions, we're about maximizing the artistic potential of scores of young people whose only experience with watches is looking at the time on their phones. If we can help just one person make a better shared photo of their lunch we feel we will have done a tremendous service to all the art world. And more.

But we're not stopping there. We're working on a rich mix of innovative and fanciful products that will become as important as oxygen to a new generation of Watch-Tographers(tm). We're working with famous German optical companies to create super telephoto optics that will attach to, and enhance, the iWatchPhoto(tm) experience. Massive, stabilized optics that will allow you to move away from the antiquated "hand held" cameras that people fight with everyday. In the future you'll see some awesome bit of  "street fashion" and lift up your wrist for a quick snap. Need to get closer? Click on the arm brace adapter and click in the 600mm f2 Watch-O-Lens(tm) (upgrade to the ashperic with VR) and get to work.

Need more space? Try out the upcoming i-Watch-Photo-Wide(tm), a dedicated wide angle adapter that only adds 730% more bulk to the ecstasy on your wrist. You'll be able to shoot images of your coffee cup even in the cramped confines of an economy class airline seat.... But you won't be in economy class for long. Not when you unlock the promise of the iWatch-o-graphs(tm) you'll be taking. You'll be joining a new generation of visual pioneers and you'll use your personal vision to unlock untold future riches.  Because i-Watch-o-Graphy(tm) is not just a fashion statement....

But wait! There's more. Using Blue Tooth as a syncing tool we'll be introducing a new, indispensable apparatus for the opposite wrist. Its code name, pending release, is the iWrist-Flash(tm). Hold up both arms as though your are practicing the double cobra stance from martial arts, now your two wrists are like a whole professional portrait studio. Camera on the left arm and delicious OFF CAMERA flash on the other. Need more light? Buy more watches!  Plus, we're working on a whole line of wrist strap attachments and modifiers. Lose that LiveStrong(tm) wrist band and make room for the i-Watch-0-mod-ography wrist band. It will hold small scrims, umbrellas, softboxes and much, much more. Plus it comes in colors. Many colors.

I'm sure at this point you're asking: "But how will I be able to make sense of all these cool new tools? How does this all work?"

Time for our three step program. We start with the FREE iWatch-Photo-Walk-Ography(tm)  Foto Walks. Our disturbingly dedicated team of highly trained iWatch-o-graphers mixes with you and hordes of other seemingly boundless potential professional iWatch-o-graphers and we actually show you how to push one of the two (or more!!!!) buttons to make the camera on the watch take a picture. As an added extra we show you how to shove that image you've just made into a highly destructive software program so you can make it look just like a poorly processed snapshot from a 1960's drug store processing lab. All the nostalgia of mediocrity but with none of the really good music from the time period.  Now you and your friends will all have highly creative images that all look.....basically.....the same. Stand out by being part of the crowd!!!!!!

Step two is to get you into a series of (paid) workshops where we'll help you master: 1. Getting the watch on the right arm....for you.  2. Figuring out which of the two buttons takes the photograph. 3.  How to prevent walking in front of fast moving buses or cars while glued to the review screen while you see what the world looks like once it's been processed. 4. How to upload the filtered and adult-ART-rated image to the cloud so that all your new friends across the world will be able to see just what a plate of half eaten enchiladas verdes looks like once it's been dragged through the nostalgia filters and made into ART.

Step three: During the course of our important iWatch-o-photo Walks (tm) together, and during every minute of the workshops,  we help you identify which new products you desperately need to continue your creative momentum and then we sell you these products because of our life long dream to teach and GIVE BACK.  You help us with our feelings of fulfillment by generously GIVING BACK the numbers on your credit card so we can process it and complete the virtuous circle of giving back. It's a win-win-win. We make money doing what we so love.  No, not taking photographs but GIVING BACK through our life long love of teaching (dare we say it? Perhaps a divine calling?). You win by both becoming an vital part of a breathtaking new fad and by putting money back into a vital part of the economy: iWatch-O-tography(tm). The bonus is that you even get to feel as though you are doing ART.  The young children in third world countries win because, by buying their iWatch-o-graphy(tm) modifiers, lenses, flashes and t-shirts you help keep them happily working.

The VSL is there for you. No hobby too lucrative, or expensive. No customer too gullible. No concept too simple to need at least a weekend of valuable and insightful instruction. It's all about the watch and the camera. Thank you Apple! And the hordes of imitators to come....

And anyone who doesn't get on board is a bit of a fossil, an art hater, a old schooler and too mired in the past to understand the power of this new kind of imaging. But don't forget we're working on nailing down the trademarks for i-Watch-O-Graphy(tm) right now. Use it at your own peril because we will bring our bus load of rabid, snapping lawyers to bear.....

Happy shooting. It's as easy as the flick of a wrist.

See our wrist tripod product line.  No limp wrists here.

Get the GoodMan Loupe to magnify your watch screen. Bigger views for sharper photos. (Available with optional wrist straps for stabilization...).

See the whole line of Watch-O-Cam (tm) Camera bags. Tiny but protective. Our biggest holds up to fifty watches with cameras or up to three watches with cameras and several accessories.

And don't forget to check out our line of iWatch-O-Graphy(tm) Strap-Wraps(tm). Colorful, protective covers for your watch band.  And BONUS they are weather proof.

Learn "One Button Magic" on our Disney iWatch-O-Graphy(tm) Alaskan Cruise. Who knew one focal length could be so exciting?

And for all the folks who are currently into medium format digital photography over at the Luminous-Landscape we are currently testing prototypes of a new break through in iWatch-O-Graphy(tm) gear.  It's the i-Pocket-Watch-O-Graph. A bigger sensor and bigger lenses to give your work better bokeh and smoother tonality. Look for it whereever you currently drop kilos of dollars on niche product. Coming soon.

Thanks for reading the previous iterations of the Visual Science Lab. Come with us on a GIVING BACK journey of discovery as we reject all previous photography tools and traditions and emphatically embrace the future of photography. Remember, IT'S ALL ON THE WRIST.(tm)

register now for our upcoming course on using your new iWatch to tell time. Limited classes, call now.


18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Only time will tell.

Kirk Tuck said...

And here comes the disclaimer for all my friends and readers for whom English is a second language and, for all my readers who are linear and literal. The article is satire. VSL is NOT rushing to embracing this possible technology. We have not hired instructors. We are not making products. We are, however, just waiting to see how the trend-meisters get all over this thing.

On another note: We at the VSL are celebrating the 1400th blog post since 2009. That's fourteen hundred. Next workshop? How to write a blog. (Also written in jest...).

Anonymous said...

I can tell who has extra time on his hands.
http://www.deinfaces.com/

Anonymous said...

Soon we'll know who has extra photos on his hands....

Lanthus Clark said...

Does this mean I have to cancel the cheque I just sent you to secure an advance booking?

Ron Preedy said...

Kirk, I'm waiting for the iGlasses, and maybe the iHearingAid. I really enjoy your posts: please keep it up!

Anonymous said...

WOW! I'm exhausted just trying to keep up with those who are keeping up.

Frank Grygier said...

Will it have an auto self portrait mode so everytime I check the time......Snap....There I am?

Anonymous said...

I have an insider source that the official spokesperson will be non other than Dick Tracy himself.
Come in Dick..
http://vermin.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/09/07/dicktracy.jpg

Anonymous said...

copy & paste that link into your browser to get the image

Kirk Tuck said...

I'm so old school. I'm still using an iPhone to do my "serious" work.

Kirk Tuck said...

Absolutely. Be sure to get the chrono share application which automatically shares every face snap on FazeBook.

Anonymous said...

Jobs is gone. He left, I’ve read, a list of things for apple to accomplish until the cryogenics systems are ready to reboot him back into his chair at the Apple stem (helm).

In the mean time The “ Chester” Project (Gould) is in full forward.. Commonly known as simply “Chester” around the Cupertino campus; the project is said to “realize” all things Dick Tracy by 2020. The watch is on the top of the list. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_Tracy

It’s said that Chester would visit Steve late at night – coming to his open cubical in the far back corner of an upper floor at Apple headquarters. They would discuss the futire and the “Apple Way”. It was always.. The watch Steve, Make the Watch!

So, it’s with little surprise that Apple is following the path set out for them by men who are much smarter than most of the marketing people on Madison Avenue. It’s now THE WATCH..

-Salty

atmtx said...

Fantastic. Kirk, I enjoyed this immensely. You are in fine form.

Bill Bresler said...

I fear you have maybe a little too much time on your hands, right now. ; )

Paul Glover said...

All of a sudden I feel strangely compelled to spend money I don't have on product I don't need, so I can make better bad photos of the ramen noodles I'll be eating for every meal for the foreseeable future.

Will there be a workshop module on how to disable the iWatchCam's location tracking so that debt collectors can't use the GPS EXIF data in your photos to track you down?

Yay, marketing! :)

Kirk Tuck said...

In point of fact I am busier this quarter than I have been for the last four years... This blog post wrote itself. It all came straight from the crystal ball.

Kirk Tuck said...

Paul, gosh no! How would your friends feel if they couldn't geo-tag you? Desperately sad, I would think.