12.13.2015

SelfieVision2015. When our universe became a mirror.


I'm throwing in the towel on elitism and snobbery. I'm ready to become a selfie taking, fully realized, modern human being. I pledge that everywhere I travel I will document me having fun, or being miserable, or whatever. I will not only use my phone to document every meal but will also shoot a bit wider as well so I can be seen....with my meal. I will document myself getting out of the pool in my slight pair of Speedo jammers. I will document myself pumping gas and yelling at the talk show people on the radio; with whom I disagree. I will document myself shooting assignments with other cameras. I will get a selfie stick. I will get a selfie wrench and a selfie hammer. I will get tiny flashes to fit on either side of my phone as it sits on my selfie stick so I can do minimalist, selfie lighting for more ART. I will get tiny, selfie soft boxes for my tiny lights on my selfie stick.

I will open a gallery and every print will be a selfie I have taken in some artistic fashion. If my own creative juices prove ineffective I will used the canned filters in Instagram with extreme (lack of) prejudice. I will lobby to have my selfie portraits used on the dollar bill, and the Euro. I will have selfie toilet paper made so I can admire myself in the most private moments, and share the gift of my image while others are takin' care of business.  I am trying to train Studio Dog to take her own selfies (but she seems stuck in the 1990's with the Zone System and the fine black and white print).

I will seek out my friends and acquaintances, and future friends and acquaintances, while I slide through public life and I will stop them and help them experience the ultimate in visual joy as I hold the small phone in my shaking (from excitement) hands and show them every image in my film roll. Sometimes I will stop and do the swiping motion that makes images bigger so I can excitedly zoom in and show them this great expression, or that great detail of clothing or jewelry.

I want to take it all further so I am getting a second cellphone so I can help my first cellphone take selfies of my cellphone and vice versa. And a third phone so I can document the first two phones selfying each other. This is all so exciting.

I am certain that I will dominate the searches on Instagram and other sharing sites. Who in their right mind would not drop everything to see a grey haired man in an anonymous, button down, blue broadcloth shirt, sipping coffee at a Starbucks?

Soon I will break into selfie movies and will regale everyone with programming. Watch me as I get frustrated trying to read the small type on the Netflix screen on our TV from across the living room. Sit captivated as you watch me take an enteric coated aspirin, some vitamin C, and some CoEnzyme Q10 with a glass of water at night.

Watch my video as I explain escrow to myself. I'm all so fascinating!!!! Why haven't we done this before?

13 comments:

Craig Yuill said...

Kirk - don't actually hold onto the cell phone while pumping gas. There have been stories of people catching on fire when pumping gas and using a cell phone. Mount the phone somewhere on the car and use a self timer. (Or should that be selfie timer. ;-) )

You could look at this selfie issue in another way. My wife is one person who likes taking selfies of herself, but for a practical reason. She generally dislikes most photos that people take of her. When my wife takes a selfie it is only when she is satisfied with the composition, expression on her face, etc. Taking selfies means she is less likely to get irritated with others.

Your sense of humour and wit really shine in this post.

JerseyT said...

Wow, what did you eat, drink or read today???
I envision a whooshing sound as you vent some pent up frustration,
having fun while you do it.
A fun read, as always, Kirk. You do have a way with words.

Kirk Tuck said...

Craig, making selfies while pumping gas is one of my absolute favorite things to do. We must embrace challenges and danger to do ridiculously good and valuable art. If my selfie makes one person even slightly smile then maybe it will be worth possible self-immolation in front of the Seven Eleven... And if I don't die that day there's is always the reward of being able to take a selfie with a Big Gulp cup in one hand. 64 ounces of fun and a phone. Sounds like a project coming on....

Kirk Tuck said...

Golly JerseyT, It was just a regular old breakfast taco with some lousy Keurig coffee on the side.... Must have been today's swim workout. Long distance stuff always leaves too much time to ruminate...

amolitor said...

In the hands of Henry White the selfie stick becomes a deadly weapon, a precision surveillance tool and, perhaps most interestingly, a sushi making system.

Fred said...

Kirk,

It was interesting to read this post since just this morning I finished making what is clearly for me the appropriately self-aggrandizing digital self imaging rig. I took one of those beer drinking hats with the cans on either side and replaced the cans with Gopros to provide context for myself being at the center of all things and then attached a selfie stick to the hat for instant selfies. I am using the tubing that came with the hat and is now hooked up to a small battery powered compressor in my back pocket to provide hot air to control all the cameras. As good as this is, I may replace the selfie stick with an umbrella skeleton that I could mount multiple cellphones on to get captures of all my best angles.

Fred

Mike Rosiak said...

Feeling a bit misanthropic today, Kirk?

Kirk Tuck said...

No Mike, this is absolutely serious career changing stuff. I would never stoop to humor or hyperbole where important imaging is concerned. Got some extra phones you want to sell me?

Anders C. Madsen said...

Bah humbug! Selfie schmelfie! 6 second videos on Vine - that is where it's at!

However, the selfie-stick may still prove useful when you share your pearls of wisdom in episodes where even viewers with severe ADD will hang on to the end...!

Anonymous said...

umm..... the Truman show2? if you don't have that budget at least get a drone.... geez its almost 2016 ...selfies were so last year last year !

Wolfgang Lonien said...

Hahaha - poor studio dog! She's so last millenium!

theaterculture said...

What I find most amazing about the selfie trend is how Cindy Sherman managed to create the definitive high-art satire of it before it even existed. Maybe that means that our collective narcissism is what's driving all these new technologies, rather than vice-versa as we often suspect?

FasterThanEver said...

Pretty woman. If I looked that good, I'd take some selfies too.